Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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