Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
