i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
