Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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