I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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