I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
