Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize