I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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