I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
