I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
