My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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