I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
