just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
