Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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