What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize