It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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