dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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