I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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