I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
