i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
