Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
