Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize