We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
