you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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