M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
