I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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