I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
