So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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