I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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