...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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