went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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