He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
