Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Randomize
