So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
