ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
