Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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