I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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