this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
