cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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