bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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