I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
