He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
