so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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