I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
