my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
