Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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