Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
