oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
