I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
