I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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