took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
