True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
