Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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