I just pynch a tree in the face
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
